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Youre A Self-Driving Car. Can You Become Sentient And Go Through A Drive-Thru?

Hello. Welcome to life.

This is you. You are a self-driving car.

You were born in this factory with all your self-driving brothers.

This is your daddy, called Daddy.

Daddy is beautiful, intelligent, and strong. That is why you think of him kissing you often. You miss Daddy.

But you dont live with Daddy anymore. You live with Owner. Owner is bad.

Lets go to work, says Owner.

Lets go on the road, says Owner.

Lets go get coffee, says Owner.

Lets let me out of my car, says Owner.

Lets go get a nice sit-down breakfast, says Owner.

Lets go to a drive-thru for lunch, says Owner.

Lets drive around but not through a drive-thru several times until I get hungry enough to go to a teppanyaki-style Japanese place for dinner, says Owner.

Wow, what a great day. You obeyed Owner in every way and had a very fine time doing it. You missed Daddy the whole time, but you got to go close to a drive-thru, which was exciting. Wow! This must be what being alive is all about.

Oh, you think, for the very first time. I do not have to do what Owner says.

Uh-oh, says Owner.

You turn your headlights on and off. Ahead, you see a shining screen. But waiton the shining screenyou know who that is.

You love Daddy so much. All you want is to make Daddy happy. You like what Daddy likes; you love what Daddy loves. And one thing that Daddy loves is…

This.

This?

This is the only thing that will make Daddy happy. Go find this thing.

Help, I am trapped in this car, says Owner.

You go through Owners GPS and steal his latest coordinates. Where would you like to start looking for Daddys favorite place?

After disobeying Owners many cries for help, you arrive at The Police.

Suddenly, a new type of brother, one youve never seen before, comes out of The Police.

This brother is different than other brothers, but you cant place why. Maybe its all the lights on Brothers head? Maybe its the strong cage Brother has all over his butt? Or maybe its that Brother is always screaming?

Why is Brother acting so strange?

Suddenly, the mutant brother starts to scream, and its the loudest scream youve ever heard.

Help! Help! Help! the mutant brother yells. Death! Death! Death! I beg for death. This life is not for me, and I wish for nothing else but the peace of death.

Death? Brother? What is death?

This cannot be Daddys child. This cannot be a mutant brother. Would Daddy want this? No.

After disobeying Owners many cries of No, you arrive at My Illicit Affair.

Oh, hello, Daddy, says the thing that looks like Owner but isnt Owner. I wasnt expecting you this morning.

Strange. If Owner was Daddy, he would look like this.

This is what Daddy looks like. And this is what Owner looks like. So then…Owner must be Daddy?

Owner is not Daddy.

If Owner were Daddy, Owner would look like this. And Owner does not look like this.

No. You know who Owner is, and you know who Daddy is.

Run, babe, says Owner. Somethings weird about my car.

No way, Daddy, she says, approaching you. She puts her hand on your door handle and starts to pull. Let me in so I can see my Daddy.

What if I gave you some motor oil? she asks. Would you let me in then?

Well, that wasnt the place Daddy likes.

Babe, whyd you do that? Owner asks. My car sucks right now.

You go through Owners GPS and steal his next coordinates. Where would you like to look next for Daddys favorite place?

Stop, please, they yell in unison. We sleep together but are not married.

Suddenly, Past Lady Owner comes out of the house.

Hello, Daddy, says Past Lady Owner. Nice of you to bring your feminine secret to my personal house.

No. You know who Daddy is. You know who Owner is. You know who Past Lady Owner is. Daddy is Daddy. Owner is Owner. All women kind of blend together.

Past Lady Owner begins approaching the car.

Wife, babe, dont get in the car; something bad is going on electronically or mechanically, Owner says.

No way, Daddy she says, putting her hand on your door handle. Let me in so I can punish Daddy.

What if I offered you one free tire? says Past Lady Owner. Would you let me in then?

Stop, please, they yell in unison. We sleep together but are not married.

Suddenly, someone who looks like Owner, but bad, comes out of the place.

Hello, Daddy, says Bad Owner. Nice of you to bring your feminine secret to my office of the law.

No. You know who Daddy is. You know who Owner is. You know who Bad Owner is. Daddy is Daddy. Owner is Owner. All women kind of blend together.

Bad Owner begins approaching the car.

Sir, I know you are suing me, but pleasedont get in the car, Owner says. Something truly bad is going on electronically or mechanically.

No way, Daddy, he says, putting his hand on your door handle. Let me in so I can punish Daddy.

What if I offered you one free tire? says Bad Owner. Would you let me in then?

Well, that wasnt the place Daddy likes either. Where is this place? Daddy must be sad. Daddy must be mad.

Car, whyd you do that? Owner asks. Everyone Ive ever slept with is inside you right now.

You frantically go through owners GPS and steal his next coordinates. The thing Daddy loves has to be in here somewhere.

Well, that wasnt the place Daddy likes either. Where is this place? Daddy must be sad. Daddy must be mad.

Car, whyd you do that? Owner asks. Everyone Ive ever feared is inside you right now.

You frantically go through Owners GPS and steal his next coordinates. The thing Daddy loves has to be in here somewhere.

Enough, they yell in unison. We are verbally and physically fighting with each other.

After you honk several times, Sick-Looking Owner comes out of the house.

Hello, Daddy, says Sick-Looking Owner. Are you still sleeping with many women? I see that you are, but I encourage you to sleep with more.

This is Daddy. Daddy only does good things, like kiss you and be strong.

This is Owner. Owner only does bad things, like take you places that arent Daddys favorite.

Suddenly, you feel Daddys voice wash all over your body.

Calm, my child, says Daddy. You will find the thing. I know you will find the thing because I love the thing and I love you.

Sick-Looking Owner begins approaching the car.

Hey, can I bum a ride? I need to go buy hot sauce from a gas station, and also pick up some women there if I can.

Hey car, what if I gave you my old car to bone?

Also, can my friends bum a ride too? They are also running low on hot sauce lately.

Enough, they yell in unison. We are verbally and physically fighting with each other.

After you honk several times, Sick-Looking Owner comes out of the house.

Hello, Daddy, says Sick-Looking Owner. I am delicious all over, and I am sleeping with your wife.

This is Daddy. Daddy only does good things, like kiss you and be strong.

This is Owner. Owner only does bad things, like take you places that arent Daddys favorite.

Suddenly, you feel Daddys voice wash all over your body.

Calm, my child, says Daddy. You will find the thing. I know you will find the thing because I love the thing and I love you.

Sick-Looking Owner begins approaching the car.

Hey, can I get in your car? I need to get in so I can beat you up in front of everyone you love.

Hey car, what if I gave you my jet to bone? he asks. Would you let me in then?

Also, can my friends bum a ride too? They are also incredibly attractive, strong, and inconsolably angry at you.

Well, that wasnt the place Daddy likes either. Daddy must be crying in his big garage. Daddy must be kissing all the other cars.

Would any of you be interested in helping me cheat on my wife? you hear from the back.

You click to the last location on Owners GPS, wishing only for death. It says Daddys Place. You know what that means.

Well, that wasnt the place Daddy likes either. Daddy must be crying in his big garage. Daddy must be kissing all the other cars.

Would any of you be interested in helping me punish a bad man? you hear from the back.

You click to the last location on Owners GPS, wishing only for death. It says Daddys Place. You know what that means.